Morden Relationships: The Chase of Vanity Metrics

“How do we measure the value of things? How do we define success? How do we evaluate healthy and meaningful relationships? And if we do use measurements, can we trust their accuracy? How certain are we that we’re not relying on misleading metrics to gauge our success or happiness?

In the field of marketing, there are Key Performance Indicators (KPIs) or metrics that are used to assess the success of marketing campaigns. When investing money in an advertisement or campaign, it is important to determine the returns. So these metrics help us determine whether we have gained or lost from our investment.

But before defining the metrics, we first have to establish the goals. What is the purpose of running the campaign? What do we aim to achieve? These questions guide the selection of appropriate metrics for evaluating the campaign’s performance. However, not all metrics indicate value. Simply meeting certain metrics does not necessarily equate to success. Some metrics are considered vanity metrics, which may boost performance but do not generate meaningful value in return.

Think of this concept in relationships. Nowadays, we tend to rely on vanity metrics as indicators of true love. We obsess over these metrics, dream about them, and adopt them as high standards for love. Yet, despite their seeming significance, they do not contribute any actual value to the relationship. They are meant to just motivate the other person to appreciate love, yet we have turned them into benchmarks for being loved.

For women, vanity metrics include acts such as receiving a girlfriend allowance, flowers, gifts, vacations, or any kind of spoils. For men, they revolve around sex and physical appearance. If you seek a relationship but are unwilling to provide these things, you are deemed unlucky and undeserving of love. However, these aspects do not add genuine value to a relationship. In fact, acquiring these items or engaging in certain activities does not necessarily signify love. Just because someone spoils you with gifts does not guarantee true love.

One day, as people were contributing money to the offering basket during the ministry of Jesus, He stood beside the basket to observe. As he observed, among the many individuals who made impressive donations, a poor woman stepped forward and threw in a meager amount of coins. Surprisingly, that caught Jesus’ attention, and he began to share with his disciples how the woman has given more than the rest. How does a poor woman with just pennies to give, surpass those who had plenty to give? Jesus explained that those who contributed generously did so out of their abundance, but the woman had given everything she had, even if it was just a few pennies. Her offering was considered to be more significant.

Contrary to Jesus’ perspective, in today’s relationships, we are impressed by those who express love through their abundance and disregard those who give love with all that they have, regardless of their financial status. We even compare these two, ignoring their different circumstances, and claim that if you only have pennies to offer, you do not deserve love. Most women seek partners who can shower them with love based on their abundance. They want a love that comes from the pockets, not from the heart.

The reason Jesus valued the poor woman’s pennies more than the larger donations of others was that those pennies meant everything to her, whereas those who gave more did not attach much value to their contribution. They did not feel any impact when they gave because the amounts they gave were not considered losses. In contrast, the woman sacrificed her last pennies to express her gratitude to God.

Here’s the question: would you rather be loved by someone who loves you with all they have, or by someone who loves you with a portion that makes no difference to their remaining resources? Loving someone with everything you possess is genuine love. However, loving someone with meager offerings can hardly be true love.

Unfortunately, in today’s society, most women desire to be loved by those who express love from their abundance (not realizing that these spoils, in most cases, are just as crumbs that fall from the master’s table). They find those who are willing to share their last pennies unimpressive and undeserving of love. All this pursuit is based on vanity metrics that may seem appealing but lack real value.

What kind of love should we seek? In my opinion, we should strive for a love that will leave us better off than before in terms of personal growth, collective progress, or even professional development. Even if the relationship ends, you should be able to look back and say, “Because of them, I became a better person. I improved in my career. I developed my talents.” There should be a lasting impact on your life that continues to benefit you beyond the relationship. But what mark of value will you be left with if all you received were material possessions like flowers, trips, clothes, and food? What lasting impact will sex and physical appearance have on your life? Five years later, you might realize how much time you wasted on vanity metrics. This is when insecurities start creeping in. Consequently, future partners have to endure the burden of your insecurities because you remained the same, only older and mentally damaged.

In no way do I suggest that spoiling your partner is wrong in a relationship. Personally, I believe in expressing love and gratitude to my partner through romantic gestures, such as buying flowers or planning adventurous trips. However, my point is that these actions should not serve as the sole metrics of love. They are acts of appreciation, not guarantees. The way one expresses love and gratitude should be based on their individual means and preferences. Placing these acts as a requirement for love is misguided, and it denies people who genuinely love each other the opportunity to express that love. I am not against these acts; rather, I am strongly against using them as the sole indicators of true love, as they are far from being sufficient in that regard.

We have witnessed and heard about numerous cases where partners shower their loved ones with gifts while simultaneously engaging in cheating or abusive behavior. For instance, a man may apologize to his girlfriend after physically harming her by sending her on a luxurious vacation to Dubai, only to repeat the cycle of abuse upon her return and attempt to compensate with shopping sprees to cover her wounds. If spoiling someone was truly a sign of love, then why would he lay his hands on her? Why engage in infidelity with other women?

In essence, the presence of material spoiling does not necessarily equate to genuine love or a healthy relationship. It is crucial to consider other aspects of a relationship, such as trust, respect, communication, and emotional support, in order to determine the presence of true love.

So, let me pose this question to you: in the partner you seek, how will they leave a lasting impact on your life? How will they help you grow as a person? How will they bring you closer to achieving your aspirations? How will they enhance your self-worth? If they do not contribute in these ways, remember that the insecurities you accumulate from a superficial relationship will burden your next partner. Be wise and discerning. Avoid pursuing vanity metrics in relationships. Seek what truly adds value, and then you will be grateful that you were in that relationship, even if it didn’t work out. Instead of turning them into enemies, you will appreciate the impact they made in your life.